There’s nothing missing. Everything that needs to be checked off is checked off. Love. Support. Emotional stability. Longevity. What’s most important is all that’s given. Nothing is missing. So how you do explain the urges to still want to step out just for a night or an afternoon? How do you explain still wanting another warm chocolate body against yours? That it’s nothing that you’re doing wrong but this is how I am. It’s hard to explain or justify the insatiable desires for another. It’s nothing internally. If I could have it all I wouldn’t want more, Sade taught me that. I’ve come to a point where I, as a very in tuned very in touch with my sexuality type of woman, that it’s not about the substance of what’s given. It’s about the physicality of the moments shared. I love the man I am with. I adore him greatly. But it’s not about that. It’s nothing the depths of my love because in the same breath I can still whole heartedly say there are other bodies that I want to enjoy and what’s the rebuttal there? “How can you love a person but still want to be with someone else?” This is where this whole monogamy is but a concept, hence why I struggle so much. It’s not about the love or any of that. It’s not about how fulfilled I am. It’s just not. I’m not saying I want to be with more than one person emotionally because, let’s be honest, giving yourself emotionally to more than one person is just draining. Hell, giving yourself emotionally period is exhausting. Adding more parties is just crazy. But that’s just me. You’re always going to meet someone who sparks something different in you. I’ve just happened to meet very compatible sexual partners. Y’all already know my theory about sexual compatibility but because they are just lovers, we don’t view it on those terms. I’m not saying you have to jump at every new spark, I mean although your legs would look amazing because you’re so athletic now but that’s not what I am getting at. I guess I’m just saying I need that little bit of freedom. But it’s hard to explain that without ending up single.
So what’s the solution?
Sit in a corner and pray the urges away or you be an adult and have an affair for once, Jay-Z taught me that one.
What a life right? I just wanted to continue with my amazing sex life I had before this relationship. That’s really what it comes down to.
But I can’t.
So here I am, this very sexual woman trying to survive in a monogamous relationship. I am out of my comfort zone and it is really hard for me to adjust.
As if you couldn’t tell….
I’m learning. I’m trying. I really am.