My breast are tender and sore. Tissues are swollen causing an uncomfortableness and lower back pain decides to make an appearance. The moon creeps in through my windows and I’m wishing my ceiling would simply form into a canopy of stars, since I’m laying on my back due to the selfishness of my breast. Sleep hasn’t been easy these past nights and too many thoughts seem to cuddle me till I float off into the realm where being awake but you’re actually sleeping exist. Your hand I’d rather be holding as opposed to these unanswered questions that my mind clings to. It’s always the middle of the night that all the thinking gets done, well at least that’s how seems. Days are too filled with communication errors, uncooperative meetings, educational lectures on the mishaps of failing to properly educate patients on tests and procedures. Mental time invested in surroundings leaves no room for self reflective time. Leaving those uncontrollable urges to replay every conversation you’ve ever had and how you should have said this instead of that. These questions present themselves in the most compromising of situations; such as the perfect position to finally dose off. Lying there now asking yourself, are you really that strong woman you keep convincing yourself you are? How do you truly feel being that you’re almost 25 and still no closer to saving the minds and self esteem of young women? Did you pray enough today expressing more gratitude than questions and requests? How those commitment issues working out? Tossing and turning does not rid oneself of such torture. No, instead brings forth more realities that during the day we can avoid facing. The cold emptiness of a queen size bed decides to reinforce the misconception that this is me time, I need to figure out what I want; “self discovery”. I’m alone but I’m not lonely. Talk about bullshit. What I want is a damn man next to me holding my hand to quiet my thoughts or to kiss me sweetly back to sleep. Don’t save me, just hold me till this mental storm is over. Allow the one leg encounter with either your back, stomach or side but do not attempt to save me. Women such as myself just want a man to be there, to be the calming after the storm, well in this case after my own mental interrogation. The middle of the night questions tire me but not enough for me to sleep. Tire me in the sense I can’t bare to face another unanswered question tonight. My heart is as full as the moon and louder than my thoughts and I’m still no closer to sleeping tonight.
Written: January 18,2014