I tend to freak out a lot. As of lately, my freak-outs have been increasing. When I say I wasn’t always like this, I mean it. I’m on my lunch break at work. I made broccoli seasoned with honey butter, a dash of salt and maybe too much cracked black pepper. I paired it with brown sugar roasted sweet potato fries. It’s absolutely perfect. The broccoli is still somewhat crisp and the sweet potatoes just add that soft touch of sweetness. My lunch is amazing and in these moments I am practicing mindfulness. Being present and remaining calm. There’s been so much overwhelming and over stimulating experiences lately that I literally cannot function. As I am getting older and learning more about myself as a woman, I am losing more of my mind it seems. I am forgetting and unable to concentrate. I am worrying more and more and yet I preach to just go with the flow of the universe. I can’t even go with the flow. I can’t even remember what goes with the flow. What is the damn flow? Things are happening in my life and I can’t deal with it. I begin classes on Monday and I need to pull myself together. I am scared. I am apprehensive. I am pensive on everything that has and hasn’t happened. The question of the validity of my own succession is haunting me. I am being taunted with images of failure and yet somehow I am still able to get up in the morning and keep going. My mind is splitting it feels like. My days in the office I would rather spend them in fields of flowers with sunshine and promises. No time pressure. No pressure at all. Just there. Just present. I am so unsure of what’s happening again. I guess I will keep writing to figure it out. Either I break through or I breakdown.
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