I put on some jazz this afternoon to calm my nerves. Lately I feel like running from everything. Just running till I catch a cramp or until I can’t run no more. That sounds so cliche but ain’t life just written that way? You get what you want and then you run away from it. Or you finally get that chance to prove to yourself and you give up that opportunity. Damn. Ain’t fear something else? Ain’t it though? The other night I prayed so hard I got down on my knees and just couldn’t hold in my emotions. I cried. And cried. I felt guilty for feeling so much. For feeling. It was almost like subconsciously I had punished myself from self expression and I’m now feeling it. My eyes were swollen and my hands were hurting. I was clenching my fist so tightly. I was so mad that I was sitting there crying. I cried. I got up. And kept moving. Keep moving is what is taught from the scorned women’s club. You lash out when it’s good but hold tight when it’s bad. And when it’s really bad that’s then you fall in love. See how cliche? I put jazz on in my office to mellow out the thoughts of destroying what could be so beautiful in hopes of allowing the music to sway me. See jazz has a way of fading out the nonsense and centering oneself. Finding soothing harmonies underneath the saxophone, getting lost between keys and you creating the words to each melody. See, this is why I put jazz on this afternoon. I wanna create with my hands, with my mouth and with my words. I’m going crazy at the moment but somehow the melodic sounds of a gloomy Sunday are really piecing me together. May peace come at 4pm. Hope everybody’s afternoon is goin well.
Written June 20,2016