It was such a struggle today for me to get my ass up and go to the gym. I come home emotionally drained and I cried. What’s wrong? I couldn’t tell you. I cried and then took an hr nap. I woke up begging myself to get motivated. Finding the strength to begin to inspire yourself to move and to be present is hard. It’s extremely hard when you’re battling something you’re not familiar with. I just wanted to sleep. And be nothing. Have you ever wanted to be nothing before?? I pulled the blanket over my head and just thought of all the things I needed to get done before the end of the night. And I crawled away from my responsibilities. Resorted to old ways where just the thoughts of all the things I need to accomplish put me in a state of panic with me not believing I am capable of anything. I just laid there, wallowing in nothingness. That’s not me. I can think back to when I was such a fighter for myself. What’s happening? I am not sure what is going on but I dragged myself down the three flights of steps, walked to my complex’s gym and sweated. I sweat so much my eyebrows came off and were on the back of my hand. But I felt good. It felt needed. My body was releasing whatever was contaminating my spirit. My back was drenched. My damn legs were sweating. I just kept thinking about how bad I wanted to give up and I kept going. I kept pushing. I kept adding more and more weights. I created challenges. I pushed myself this evening in the gym. Once I got home I made a list of things to-do and did them. Pushed myself some more. Completed my orientation. Worked on my financial aid. I did this while cooking my food. I have got to learn to be softer with myself. I did more than I expected of myself and I made sure to write.
There has to be more than this. There needs to be softer ways for me to love myself.
Or I am going to have more days where I struggle and I am not sure if I’ll be able to find myself strong enough to go again.
What’s going to be the change for me?