I’m having to relearn how to be fearless. How to just be in the moment. I was thinking about this on the way home from work today. The best times to ponder on all your past mistakes always seem to be either during starry nights or orange skies on your way home. I have so many fears about just letting go and watching the universe have its way with my life. The unpredictability. The unknown. The anxiety. My blood pressure. It all heightens. I’m choking. Drowning in my own fears. I try to trace back memories of when I became so scared. Of when I grew into this shell where words torment me. Since when? Since when have I ever been afraid of what others may say? When I came out almost 10yrs ago, I was proud. I mean proud. Hand in hand I am walking with my woman and here I am! Look at me! No fear. No shame. Life has a funny way of wearing you down. Breaking you down. I think the fear began when I realized dreams don’t pay bills. All I had was just dreams of writing. Never turned them into realities. Never executed my initial plan. Life made certain to raise the awareness that unless there’s action behind your words ain’t nothing gonna get done. And all I have are my words. And the fear that, that’s just not enough. I’m working through this. I really am.
What’s becoming the most quoted phrase from me this is:
“What a life, right?”
Artwork: Pasiphae Plate 2, 1944, Henri Matisse